the gld.

Looking for the meaning I searched a meaning for finding my identity through purpose my soul was bleeding for reasons Like why I could idolize or essentially monetize a perception for all my growth or just stringing a decent blessing. 

Texted God a whole message He "read" it and posed a question like I was the one that's tripping. Like He's been hitting my line this whole time and I dodged His lesson! 

Like I ain't getting the message.

like I've been making excuses and I'm the one bad at texting. 

Second guessed all the stressing and setbacks throughout the year like I paddled without a jacket on ice and it started cracking. All these nights of me lacking and saying I'm here for friends and pretend when I'm growing distant and dimming my light through isms. Laid in bed with a vision from ceiling fans that would turn am I wasting money for studio sessions?

Did I lead myself astray with all these voice singing lessons, or when Tre said he sees potential and I'm still second guessing?

On D'Angelo's Voodoo for some ideas and still stressing. How come I can't make some shit that feels this beautiful too?

And how I feel is like describing to a blind man hues, or even concepts of "blues" to bandanas and violence. 

4 corners of silence from laying down in my room and patiently pacing a poem I needed to lighten my soul. 

Am I in eternal darkness if I don't ever grow, or is the change I'm really seeking in the shit I let go?

Is what I'm thinking is a storm really a wave that'll flow and just pass if I don't let go of my hope or faith tied the anchor around my waist closed my eyes and just pictured Grace and next thing you know damn I'm drowning…

That's the thing; I've been drowning.…

Swam to shore mad and frowning, I slapped the sand damn I'm pissed I lost all the work I put in for this shit.....

Like what's the point of euphemisms all this hardwork and grit if I simply can't reach or get all the little goals I'm fulfilling...

Years pass, I'm rebuilding my soul's refined now i feel it, I'm contemplating - I think it's time I might head back to Sea. 

But somethings off, I found the door but it's like I don't have the key - and I know I had it; what the fuck I gotta do to get free??

It's like I'm on that last ark again I built for the sea and a myriad of minor leaks came through the boards I've been nailing. 

Another storm and some hailing, this looks the same start to question am I to blame - Lord please tell me if I did something wrong.

Yelled at the sky and asked Him why and what's the purpose of sailing this in the first place

Am I only meant to sink in the storm?

Is my existence just a joke or up a Hill like I'm Lauryn, from all the times my heart mourned from past lovers that left me. 

Is this more than a poem or an allegory or one of my many stories that symbolize all my pain or a gain that my soul had felt for a book that fell off the shelf when I wanted and needed help, let me pose to you this one simple question….

If God text you, would you still get the message?

Would you forgive yourself for failures or just stay in your stressing?

Would you buckle down and cast a anchor or jump ship when your plans can just turn to shit and you damn near need you a Reverend you yelling and screaming to heaven, depression from every corner, you shout and reach for the owner and th—.

And if you.. if you had chance to name all the things in this world that you loved...

how long would it take until you'd finally name yourself?